my phone needs a breathalizer
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
