I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
