And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
