You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
