do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
