I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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