we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
