What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
