i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
