Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
