So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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