Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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