I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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