need another drink. this is the easiest way
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Come on in and take your pants off
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