she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
