I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
