She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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