I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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