Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
