i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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