he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
