dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
