At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
