If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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