Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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