My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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