Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Houston, we have a blender
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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