I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
