I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
