I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
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driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
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I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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