so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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