you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
