I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
