Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
