I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
