I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
