what day is it and did you see me today?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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