Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
