I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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