Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
