Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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