I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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