My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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