I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
