you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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