When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
