just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
