Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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