so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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