I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
