"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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