When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
