Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
