I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
