and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You ate ashes out of my bong
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
