Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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