made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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