good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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